The Holy Hand Grenade
by Who really cares about my name
Summary: Never combine Shura, alcohol, and Monty Python.


**AN: This is what happens when you stay up until 2 AM watching a mixture of anime and Monty Python. I regret nothing. (The story takes place around the time when Yukio's starting his training. I have no clue whether Shura really showed him the ropes.)**

**Disclaimer: I do, in fact, own a holy hand grenade. However, I DON'T own Ao No Exorcist or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.**

Yukio eyed the spherical weapon with a great deal of trepidation. "You're _sure_ this is how it works, Kirigakure-san?"

"Of course I am, Four-eyes," the teenager trilled. "Why'd I be showing yer if I didn't know how to use the Holy Hand Grenade?"

"The _what_?"

Shura gave him an exasperated stare. "Yer heard me. The Holy Hand Grenade. It's one of the most ancient weapons in an exorcist's arsenal! Goes all the way back to th' Book of Armaments."

"Kirigakure-san," Yukio began, "there is no Book of Armaments. I'm not quite done memorizing the Old Testament, but-"

"Yer've never heard o' the Book of Armaments?" his de facto teacher gasped.

"No, I haven't, because _it doesn't exist_. And for that matter, grenades weren't invented until the 1590s. Can we please get back to target practice?"

Shura merely winked at him, saying, "Not 'til this horrendous hole in yer education's been filled! Now, lemme see where I left that Bible."

After several minutes of rummaging, Shura emerged from her room with a ratty, dog-eared copy of the King James Version in Japanese. She flipped to the very last page, written in purple marker, and began to read.

"'Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade, that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy. And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals…'"

"You're drunk again, aren't you?" Yukio sighed.

"I am not, and yer know it! That was jus' the one can!" Spotting Yukio's look of disbelief, she continued in the reading. "Okay, listen now, 'cause this is how yer use it: 'First shalt thou take out the holy pin, then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.'"

"All right then, I understand the number," Yukio said, attempting to cut her off. "What next?"

"'Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou to two, excepting that thou then proceed to three...'"

Yukio went through the mantra he repeated whenever he was near Shura. _She's Father's first student, she's already an exorcist, she's an extremely talented swordswoman. She knows what she's doing, right? She should know what she's doing. Dear God, I _hope_ she knows what she's doing."_

"…What was that last bit, Kirigakure-san?"

"I keep tellin' yer, it's Shura. Now pay attention: 'Then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.' There, that's easy enough, don'tcha think?" she grinned.

"I guess so," Yukio replied. He turned the grenade over and asked, "So I just pull the pin, count to three, and throw it at my target?"

"If yer feel like paraphrasin' my favorite part o' the Bible, yeah. Ready?"

_Aside from my doubts on the legitimacy of that phrase, the fact that Father never specifically told me what these things do, and the fairly alarming smirk you're trying to conceal, I'm perfectly prepared_, Yukio almost snapped. Instead, he forced out the words, "I think so."

He pulled out the pin. "One, tw-"

The grenade exploded before he could reach three. Yukio screamed in terror, envisioning charred shrapnel where his face had been, and immediately realized: he wasn't burning at all.

In fact, he was rather wet. Some might say he was dripping.

The boy looked from the empty water grenade to his teacher, and then back to the grenade. "Kirigakure-san?"

"Yes, Four-eyes?"

"With all due respect… damn you," Yukio said, calmly and civilly. "Damn you to the darkest regions of Hell, where your corpse will be gnawed on by rabid jackals for all eternity."

Shura stared at him in shock for a moment, and then began to laugh. "Yer actually _swore_!" she choked out between guffaws. "I never thought I'd see the day whan my little Scaredy-Cat Four-Eyes… where're yer going?"

"You just gave me false information on a vital weapon and made me think I'd accidentally blown my brains out," Yukio hissed. "Where do you _think_ I'm going?"

With that, he grabbed a key from his pocket, stalked over to the door, and opened it to Fujimoto Shiro's room. "What a surprise, Yukio," Shiro said. Then he noticed Yukio's incensed expression and soaked clothes. "What happened?"

"Ask Kirigakure-san," Yukio replied. "I'll just say that you need to get a new lock for the liquor cabinet- and the DVD drawer."


End file.
